


monachopsis

by cryystal_m00n



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional Constipation, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Moon Taeil/Qian Kun, Oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryystal_m00n/pseuds/cryystal_m00n
Summary: n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach.(johnny's best friends are clearly in love with each other, and though their hearts may be big enough to love two persons, that doesn't mean they have a place for him as well. so where does that leave him?)#JS234
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 12
Kudos: 92
Collections: Johnny Fic Fest: Round One





	monachopsis

**Author's Note:**

> jesus, this has been a ride to write, but i really hope that at least someone gets to enjoy this and maybe scream w/ me about how dumb johntenjaeyong are OOF. thank you mods for making this a thing and i hope there will be a second round🥺🥺🥺  
> enjoy🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

it starts off with johnny meeting a boy in his high school days, the much smaller boy turning into a pillar of comfort for johnny. it continues with johnny getting closer to taeyong, until they become inseparable. where taeyong went, johnny would follow. what taeyong did, johnny would try as well, just because the smaller boy looked  _ so cool _ when doing it. 

no, it starts off with johnny meeting a young man in his first day of college, the man, though just a bit shorter than johnny, holding his head high and reassuring johnny that he didn’t mind sharing the last copy of the law book if he got to spend more time with him. it continues with jaehyun growing close to him and taeyong, until the three of them became inseparable as well. 

no, scratch that, it starts off with johnny tripping and getting his hot coffee all over a man, the giant brown stain on his white shirt eating him alive as he blabbered apologies after apologies. it continues with ten becoming the last addition to their group, until johnny couldn’t even think of being away from his friends for too long. 

no, that’s not quite right either. it starts just how it begins, with a realization. one night, he thinks what it would feel like to kiss his friends, of how they would taste like, if ten would push him around, if jaehyun would be as gentle as he is when he hugs taeyong, if taeyong would let himself be led by the others. 

it ends with another realization, as he looks at the way ten sits in jaehyun’s lap, his hand in taeyong’s as they all laugh at the running episode of  _ south park: _ they love each other, but they don’t love johnny. at least not in the same way. 

johnny pushes the sound of his heart breaking deep down and focuses on the way cartman sings on screen. this is good, at least the realization didn’t last long enough to rip his heart away from his chest. 

this is good. 

* * *

it may be that the universe hates him, making him fall in love with not one, not two, but three people that are already very much in love with each other. 

no, let him rephrase that. he’s sure that the universe hates him, because what kind of love would it hold for him if it didn’t make johnny realize his friends’ relationship  _ before _ he realized his  _ own  _ feelings for the three of them. 

johnny may as well change his name to clown suh. 

in his defence, johnny is  _ very  _ oblivious when it comes to feelings. he’s fucking blind if anything. it took him three years to realize that doyoung and taeil were a thing, and he had to catch his brother with his hands down donghyuck’s pants to even think about the possibility of mark and his best friend dating. 

so it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise that he didn’t know of his feelings until it was too late to go back and press the undo button. 

but still, he wishes he hadn’t been so emotionally constipated that he didn’t took notice of the heart eyes his best friends have been throwing each other. 

everything was right in front of him, yet johnny had to be  _ hit  _ with the love  _ he  _ is carrying to see what’s been going on. 

he should’ve noticed the longing stares, the touches that never seemed to come to an end, the way they spent more and more time together, sometimes without johnny himself there. at first, he wrote it off as nothing, just best friends being friendly with each other, since that’s what they were. they were best friends, brothers even, so there was no way that the idea of them dating even crossed his mind. 

there were numerous moments that could’ve made him see the budding relationship of his best friends, but most often than not, he chose to ignore it. a part of him thinks that it happened like this because of a potential jealousy that grew inside of him. he didn’t want to lose his friends, and he clearly didn’t want to fourth wheel with them when the time came. 

though he realized the situation he was in, he chose to ignore his feelings  _ and  _ the ones his best friends have grown for each other. he liked having them around too much for him to ruin years of friendship because of a dumb puppy crush; even when the puppy crush was so big and reaching for three different people that he could no longer call it that. 

johnny was fine like this, and though his heart did ache when he saw them together without him, he decided it’s just because he is jealous and mad at not having been included in the plans they’ve made. 

* * *

the bakery they frequent looks mostly empty from the outside. johnny is quite surprised, considering it is the weekend and usually during this time the place is stocked with tired students who want to treat themselves with a nice slice of carrot cake. but now, johnny can’t even count five people inside. 

still, he pushes the door open and steps inside. the smell of freshly baked bread hitting him as soon as he closes the door behind him. he can pick up some traces of cinnamon and vanilla, and if he’s not wrong, he can even smell roses and bourbon in the air. he will have to buy one of their cupcakes for jaehyun if they’ve truly made them today. 

behind the counter, kun greets him with a smile. “hey, no boyfriend with you today?” the man asks before johnny can even think of placing his order for two strawberry shortcakes, two boston cream cupcakes and all the rose bourbon stuff they have. 

“what?” his eyes must be the same size as the plates that yangyang is reaching for. 

“oh, kun-ge, what did you do to hyung that made him look at you like you just said you’ve been sleeping with one of his boyfriends?” yangyang says with a laugh. he only sneers louder when johnny gapes at him as well. 

“ _ what?!”  _

kun frowns at him, but then a loud voice interrupts him before he gets a chance to speak. “kun, i will skin you alive and feed you to a hoard of rats if you do not shut up now.”

johnny turns to see ten glaring at their friend, his hand reaching for a straw to, most likely, stab the unsuspecting man. his features change entirely when he sees johnny staring at him, confusion written on his face. “oh, hi! how are you, hyung? fancy meeting you here, haha!” he drops the straw on the counter, leaning on it in an attempt to look  _ cool  _ and  _ collected.  _

johnny, unaware of the turmoil inside ten’s head, reaches for him to pull the shorter man into a hug. he rests his head on ten’s shoulder, arms never loosening their grip around the man’s waist. “i’ll get you some boston cream, ok? you can go find a place to stay and i’ll bring them and the ones for yongie and hyunnie as well.” johnny feels ten nod against his chest. “i’ll get you some ice tea, baby, you’ve been working hard this week so you deserve it.”

the pet name slips out before johnny can think about it. his body tenses, his mind now hyper aware of the idiocy he’s just shown. ten nods once more, and without even acknowledging the reason why johnny wants to dig a hole and bury himself at such an early hour, he leaves to find a table. 

kun and yangyang both snicker behind their hands, and johnny swears he can hear the younger say something along the lines of  _ ‘one of them is here, ge’. _ glaring at them one last time, johnny places his order and tries to figure out why would they call ten his boyfriend and who could the others be. 

after all, didn’t ten have two boyfriends already? why would they need him in the equation as well?

* * *

jaehyun comes home with a heavy bag and a warm smile. he greets taeyong with a kiss on his cheek, engulfs ten in a loving hug, and when he spots johnny at their kitchen table, eating cereals straight from the box, he heads straight for the older man. jaehyun wraps his arms around johnny, promptly stopping him from sticking his hand in the box and eating another handful of pure sugary sugar. 

“uh… you ok, bro?” johnny asks, loosley wrapping his own arms around jaehyun’s waist. he lets his head rest on the younger’s chest, inhaling his scent deeply. it’s comforting, and johnny wants to spend the rest of his days like this, in jaehyun’s warm embrace. he has to pull away before it becomes too awkward. 

“i just missed you, is all,” jaehyun says, smiling down at him. he brings his hand on the top of johnny’s head, his fingers pulling at the elder’s brown locks gently. johnny can’t help but lean into the touch, eyes falling shut and breath coming to a sudden halt when he feels a particular rough pull. “you’re so pretty, hyung… just like a puppy.” jaehyun chuckles, not acknowledging the way johnny’s shoulders tensed. 

“hah… yeah, i guess you could say that…” at last, johnny stands up, pulling his hood over his head and hiding his blazing hot cheeks with it. “i have to… go study.”

“aren’t you on break because of the practice at the--”

“yeah! so if you guys could like  _ not  _ come into my room, i’d appreciate it,” he hurriedly says, rushing past a confused ten and an even more puzzled taeyong. he doesn’t even look at their faces, too ashamed of running from his best friends like that, just because he is on the verge of popping a boner at jaehyun’s touch and words. 

one of them knocks on his door, and when johnny still refuses to answer, taeyong’s voice rings through his quiet room. “johnny, are you sure you’re ok? you know you can talk to us, right?”

johnny sighs, letting his head fall on his desk. “thanks yongie, but i think i want to sleep a bit. i’m pretty tired.” he can distinctively hear ten saying that he had to study just minutes ago. he doesn’t pay it any mind, choosing instead to stand up and fall on his bed obnoxiously loud. “night, dudes.”

“wait!” ten almost yells, opening the door with a force to be reckoned with. “can we at least cuddle?” he asks, pouting slightly at the man already sprawled all over his bed. 

pulling his long limbs close to his body, johnny figures it’s enough of an answer. he feels his bed dip under the added weight of three more people, but he doesn’t complain when ten’s body covers his own, nor when jaehyun mindlessly starts rubbing circles on his hip, and he clearly doesn’t mind it when taeyong, the last one to get in, wraps his whole body around the three, like a giant (yet still small) koala. 

“don’t hide stuff from us, john,” ten mumbles, sending shivers down his back with the way his breath hits his neck. 

“we’re your best friends, we get worried when we see you like this,” taeyong continues. “you may be the oldest one, but sometimes you can be a big idiot. and you tend to push us away when you feel like this, because you think you’ll worry us.”

johnny wants to protest, he really does, but he can’t even think of an argument when everything taeyong said is true. he settles for pouting and huffing, a very mature approach. 

jaehyun’s arms tighten their hold, pulling the three of them closer to him (and the edge of the bed). ten whines about how he can see the floor, and how he  _ knows  _ this is just the younger’s plan on getting him to fall down. jaehyun argues that the height he would fall from is just as small as him, so he shouldn’t worry too much about it anyway. ten hits him over the head (of course he does; small people are closer to hell, which means all the demons can enter their bodies as they wish) and mumbles something about dumb monkey men trying their luck when it comes to dying young. 

“yongie is right, hyung,” jaehyun finally says, after having stopped from laughing like a mad man at ten’s evident anger. “we care about you more than anything, we don’t want you to be upset or sad or even angry.”

“yeah, you can take the anger out on me and yong. we like the pain.” ten looks up at him and winks. “unless you’d rather i’d be the one holding the whip, of course.”

johnny’s brain goes into overdrive, his cheeks heating up at an alarming rate. “i--”

“stop making the baby shy, tennie,” taeyong says, lightly slapping the thai’s shoulder. “you should sleep now, johnny. you wanted to nap but we’re just keeping you up with our stupid shit.” he makes sure to glare at jaehyun and ten when he speaks, and the two have at least the decency to look guilty. 

his face, still beet red, johnny closes his eyes and hopes that he can actually fall asleep, despite the rapid beating of his heart and the way ten’s words still swim in his head, drowning every other logical explanation he tries to come up with. 

his words still haunt him when he wakes up, much later, when the moonlight is peeking through his curtains. but this time, he gets to look at his best friends’ peaceful faces as they sleep, all huddled next to him. he feels too hot, surrounded by three human furnaces, but he doesn’t do anything to stop this feeling. johnny just goes back to sleep, holding onto jaehyun and taeyong, while his face buries in ten’s hair. 

* * *

“and  _ man _ i really don’t understand why they would do that! like they made  _ me  _ breakfast in bed! sure, jaehyun ended up spilling the orange juice all over my sheets and taeyong  _ almost  _ poked my eye out when he tried to feed me waffles because he was still sleepy, but--  _ oh,  _ that reminds me, doie! he looks so cute when he’s barely awake,” johnny pouts at his friend, “like not that he’s not  _ always  _ cute but when he’s rubbing his eyes and yawning every five seconds? man, i just wanna smooch him and--” 

johnny stops mid rant, eyes widening. “i mean, haha, that’s not what i meant! they’re my bros, i wouldn’t kiss them… it’s not like… i’m gay for them or something,  _ lmao.” _

doyoung’s right eye twitches, closing his book with a thud. “did you really just say  _ lmao  _ out loud, hyung?” he rolls his eyes when johnny nods, almost scared of giving him an answer. it’s not like doyoung would kill him for saying it, or even for confessing the fact that he may have just a little, a tiny, incredibly small and insignificant crush on his not one, not two, but  _ three  _ best friends. “you’re so dumb, i swear. a big, dumb, blind idiot,” doyoung sighs.

“why?!” 

cryptedly, doyoung sips his coffee, hand raising to catch kun’s attention. “can you make me another coffee, kun? i feel like i’m gonna need it unless i want to lose all the braincells i have left on this  _ idiot.” _

johnny looks at his friends, the ones he called second best friends, who could so easily stab him in the back with five hundred forks at the same time, with such a hurt expression that doyoung actually feels bad. 

“i didn’t mean it like that! i meant as in you’re just a bit oblivious at times!” doyoung stands from his chair and rushes over to johnny’s side, hugging him and patting his head in a reassuring way. 

johnny pretends to sniff, long and dramatic, before realizing what the younger had just said. “wait… oblivious about what?”

doyoung tenses. “what what?”

kun arrives with doyoung’s coffee, setting it on the table loud enough to make them both jump. “whatchu guys talking about? dad stuff?”

johnny pushes the younger away, snorting at kun’s words. “you talk as if you don’t have four kids already, old man.”

“and i am  _ not  _ a dad! jeno is just my…” doyoung draws on, before mumbling bitterly at the fact that he can’t think of another word, “my child.”

kun sighs and takes doyoung’s seat, promptly leaving the man without any place to sit but johnny or kun’s lap. he decides to stay up, not wanting to touch either of them. “we really are just a bunch of dads in a fatherless world, huh?” the chinese says, taking a sip from johnny’s drink. “it’s no wonder people fall in love with us, everyone has daddy issues nowadays.”

“too bad the only people who fall in love with me are straight girls who want a korean daddy to punish them,” johnny sighs. “i’m gay and a bottom, not like i care much about you, karen.”

his friends don’t say anything (they don’t even laugh at his joke!); they just drink their coffee in silence, while giving johnny what look like judgemental glances. “what? it’s true! you have taeil,” he points at doyoung, who blushes slightly at the mention of the elder, “and you, kun boy, have like… a ton of dudes and dudettes who wanna do you! you’re just too picky to choose one.”

“i’m not picky, i just already have my eyes on someone,” kun murmurs, looking at doyoung, before quickly averting his eyes when said man glances at him with curiosity. 

“who do you have your eyes on, kun?” 

the man doesn’t answer. instead, he switches the spotlight back on johnny, asking why did doyoung call him an idiot so early into their bro-date. johnny looks at him betrayed, and listens as doyoung goes on and on about how oblivious johnny is regarding  _ you-know-who.  _ johnny gives up on trying to understand  _ who  _ he is talking about, and instead shoots taeyong a text telling him he will handle the cooking tonight. 

he gets an excited thread of emojis back and among them, written in capital letters the words  _ HUSBAND MATERIAL. _ johnny pretends he’s not blushing madly as he rereads the text over and over trying to make  _ what  _ exactly it means. 

“you ok, john? you’re looking a bit… heated,” kun comments, earning himself a glare from the elder. 

“yeah… just peachy, dude.” johnny locks his phone, putting it face down on the table to avoid being distracted again. 

doyoung raises an eyebrow at him. “you’re talking with jae?” when johnny sputters, he continues. “because, if so, tell him that taeil and i are expecting him for dinner.” he finishes with a wink and a knowing, yet subtle look thrown to kun. kun’s deflated posture is an obvious indicator that the comment affected him in more ways than he would like to admit. 

“you already have a boyfriend, dude. don’t steal mi-- ten and taeyong’s man as well!”

doyoung winks once again, and in a voice laced with the greasiness of a fuckboy, he says, “we’re open to add a third party.” kun looks away, just as doyoung fixes him with a look. 

johnny can’t understand how someone can be this blind to obvious flirting and advances to start a relationship, but he guesses it’s just part of what makes kun loveable. he hopes the three of them will figure their feelings out, because frankly, johnny finds the situation pitiful. he’s happy he’s not stuck in a love triangle or another love geometrical form. he’s just stuck in an  _ unrequited _ love square. 

definitely better. 

* * *

ten is being a brat, as he always is when the stress of exams pile up on his shoulders. he’s been skipping meals, locking himself in the studio for hours on end, refusing to come out unless one of them came and dragged him by force. 

they’re used to it by now, having known ten for years, but johnny is still adamant of his best friend’s way of approaching exams. he hates seeing him so out of it, drumming his fingers on any hard surface to recreate the rhythm of his piece, his other hand moving on its own as it tries to perfect the choreo. it’s  _ almost  _ worse than when jaehyun only drank coffee and energy drinks for four days straight leading to his third year final exam, which got him a special bed at the hospital (and the highest mark in the whole school, but johnny doesn’t to let him think it was a good idea). at least when it comes to ten, the younger can be persuaded to come out and eat. with jaehyun, it’s like running into an immovable object. 

but with ten, despite being easy to trick into coming out and having a few bites of  _ anything,  _ the way to getting there is the hardest, most nerve wrecking patience test one could go through. it’s not enough that ten whines and curses at whoever stops him from practicing, if he was right in the middle when stopped, he isn’t afraid of telling them the exact way, date and hour he will murder them. sometimes, johnny is almost a hundred percent positive he puts on curses on them in thai, english, chinese  _ and  _ korean. all four combined. 

on this blessed wednesday, however, ten doesn’t curse at all. he doesn’t even whine. just stares blankly at johnny as he unwraps all the food he and taeyong made for ten back home. 

“and you have to finish  _ everything _ otherwise you won’t be getting dessert,” johnny states, quoting taeyong on the last part. he doesn’t want to think what connotation dessert could have, since the only sweet thing here are some sticky rice cakes that ten isn’t very fond of. 

“do i get a kiss if i finish everything?” 

johnny stops, the fork mid-air above the rice. his face is beet red, that one he is sure of. he coughs, stabbing the food and picking up more than the poor fork is capable of carrying. he feeds ten without any warning, almost making the younger choke around the food. huffing, johnny steps back, looking for any sign of ten actually choking or not enjoying the food. 

he doesn’t get that. what he gets instead, is ten  _ moaning  _ shamelessly, his eyes rolling back in his head. johnny almost chokes on nothing at the sight. 

“ _ god,  _ this is  _ so  _ good, john! thank you, you really deserve a reward for being so good to me,” he says after having chewed everything. he opens his mouth wide, asking for more. johnny feeds him again, and again, until the tuperwear that was once filled to the brim with rice and meat and veggies is empty. 

he manages to make ten eat everything, including the rice cakes, without making it obvious that he’s sporting a hard on because of all the little noises the younger lets out, and honestly, johnny counts it as a win. 

it’s only when they both finish and johnny has to stand up that ten finally notices. he doesn’t say anything, but his actions speak louder than any words could. his hand brushes slightly over the curve of johnny’s ass, squeezing it before starting to help him pick up their trash. 

the only problem with ten not speaking his mind is that johnny is too blind to see through it. and no matter how loud they are, johnny is deaf when it comes to it. 

* * *

“hey, doie, is it normal to get a boner when your best friend moans because of some food?” he asks before even greeting doyoung on the phone. the line is quiet, dead silent, for a few minutes. and even when doyoung does make a noise, it’s just a  _ long _ sigh. and then the line is dead again. 

“doie? doie, are you there? did you hang up?” he checks to see if the call is still on. “ _ and, _ you did!”

* * *

whenever taeyong makes something sweet for them, he always makes sure to make a separate batch for johnny, one that isn’t quite as sweet as the rest. johnny never thought much of it before, since his forte in the kitchen isn’t baking but actually cooking, and really  _ how hard can it be to make a batch with less sugar? surely taeyong just makes one batch and then divides it into two!  _

at least, that’s what he thought before he got home to taeyong baking, the kitchen a mess of flour, sugar and cocoa powder spilled everywhere. the man is in the middle of it all, sitting on the floor and keeping a close eye on the oven where something is baking. at the same time, he’s icing some cookies, unaware of johnny’s presence. he’s humming under his breath, but johnny can sense the tense air around him. 

he never caught taeyong in the middle of one of his stress baking extravaganza and now that he’s at last experiencing it, johnny can understand why taeyong always tried to do it when he was alone. it’s worrying, the amounts of pastries and mini cakes and cookies,  _ so many cookies, _ just chilling on every available surface. when they just woke up with their fridge filled with sweets, it wasn’t so… panic inducing. but now that johnny is at it first hand, he doesn’t want anything else but to gather taeyong in his arms and make sure he is ok.

“yongie, baby, you alright?” he says in a small voice, not wanting to scare the younger man and have him mess up the cookie he’s working on. taeyong nods, in such a way that it makes johnny think he didn’t fully hear him. johnny gives him enough time to finish what he’s working on before coming next to taeyong and scooping him in his arms. 

taeyong protests weakly, but as soon as he feels johnny’s smell engulfing him, he melts into his arms, clinging lightly to his hoodie. “can you keep an eye on the peach cobbler? i don’t want it to burn because hyunnie has been stressed and i want him to enjoy it. oh, and you can eat anything you want, johnny, but the less sweet stuff are already in the fridge. i’m gonna go to sleep now, good night.” and just like that, taeyong passes out in his arms, exhaustion finally taking over his tired body. johnny would coo at it, had he not been worried about taeyong’s health and rest. 

he moves fast to deposit taeyong on their couch, covering him with one of their far too many blankets. before he leaves to the kitchen, he presses his lips on taeyong’s nose, watching in fascination as the man scrunches it in his sleep. 

once he is back in the kitchen, johnny begins to clean the mess taeyong had accidentally made. he can’t think of any reason why taeyong might’ve been this stressed to bake dozens of cookies and whatnot, but as he throws away the spilled flour, johnny finds a piece of paper thrown haphazardly on the floor. 

it only reads  _ confession plan. _ nothing more, nothing less. 

johnny pales at a sudden realization: had he misread taeyong, ten and jaehyun’s relationship? were they actually just friends and, god forbid, crushing on someone else? taeyong had always been close to yuta, so johnny wouldn’t be surprised if he liked the japanese man, and doyoung did say jaehyun has been spending more and more time with him and taeil, so where does that bring him? where does that leave ten? was he interested in anyone else as well? or did johnny misunderstand their closeness and friendship as something more. it wouldn’t be the first time he’s been brought down by his own wishful thinking, and now that he’s looking over it again, none of them ever implied liking johnny as more than their best friend. what if they  _ were _ in fact planning to add someone else to their already existing relationship, just  _ not _ johnny?

too caught up in his own spiralling thoughts, johnny doesn’t register the smell of something burning until it’s too late. by the time he does turn off the oven and opens it to let the smoke out, the peach cobbler taeyong had so carefully prepared was nowhere near salvageable. 

filled with guilt, johnny tries his best to make it at least edible. it’s not an easy task, but after what feels like hours of trying, he manages to have cut off all the burnt parts, and in front of him, is a slim layer of cobbler, no crust, no peaches, no nothing. it could be worse, if he’s being honest. 

he puts some canned peaches over the top, adding a few crushed crackers too, for the texture, but he has to admit that he’s ruined jaehyun’s surprised and there is nothing he can really do about it. 

placing the confession plan back where he found it, johnny rushes to put everything in the fridge. he exits the kitchen, still feeling awful about not being able to do one single thing taeyong had asked of him. 

johnny sits next to his sleeping friend, his even breathing calming his nerves a bit. it’s not much, but he will take anything now, even if it means staring at taeyong’s figure like a creep, lights all turned off except for the fairy lights around the room. 

he falls asleep without meaning to, head resting on the back of the couch in such an uncomfortable way that it’s the pain from the cramps which wakes him up. he’s trying hard not to wake taeyong, who has ended up with his head in johnny’s lap, up. but he doesn’t succeed, because as soon as he moves to relieve some of the pain, taeyong is sitting up, not even looking like he’d just woken up. 

“how long have you been awake?” johnny asks, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up. 

“some time now. don’t worry, i opened the windows around the apartment to get rid of the smell of smoke. but you were too comfortable for me  _ not  _ to come back,” taeyong admits, looking away from johnny’s gaze. his cheeks have turned pink and the elder wants to pinch them just to ensure that the color doesn’t fade away. 

“sorry about the cobbler… i spaced out and forgot about it.” 

taeyong snuggles close to johnny, throwing his legs over his lap. “it’s ok, baby,” he says, “at least you didn’t get hurt. i can always make another one for jaehyunnie.” 

johnny swallows all protests when he feels a pair of lips press on the juncture between his neck and shoulder. the kiss— can it even be called that when it’s so short lived johnny finds himself missing the warmth seconds after it happens— makes his breathing stop, but before he can properly register everything that’s happening, taeyong pulls away. 

“now c’mon, we have a bunch of sweets to eat!” 

and johnny, sweet, confused and most importantly  _ so  _ in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same, just lets the source of his heartache drag him to the kitchen, all protests dying on the tip of his tongue.

* * *

taeil gives him a weird look when he spots him walking inside the small flower shop. he sets aside the flower he was tending to, and walks around the counter to give the taller a hug. taeil will always have a way of knowing when everyone feels like shit and needs one of his famous hugs.

“what happened?”

“did doie tell you about… my small, little, tinie-winie problem?” 

taeil frowns. “you’re gonna need to be a bit more specific, you whine about a lot of stuff to doie.”

“about…” he mumbles the last part, too embarrassed to say it out loud. taeil hits him in the chest, making johnny sigh and speak louder. “my crush on ten, jae  _ and  _ yongie.” johnny plays with the hem of taeil’s mud covered apron. 

“ _ oh!  _ that  _ small, little, tinie-winie  _ problem! of course he did! though, just between you and me, you’re not that subtle about it, so i could tell by myself there was something going on between you four.”

“what do you mean between the four of us?  _ i  _ am the only one with a crush here, taeillie.  _ they, _ on the other hand, probably like someone else.” johnny pouts, sounding more and more like a child whose parents didn’t buy him the newest toy available. 

“god, they spoil you so much, what the hell?” taeil finally pulls back, looking up at johnny with an unreadable expression on his face. “you like them, right?” johnny nods. “and may i ask  _ how _ do you know they don’t like you back?”

“because i found a weird confession plan yongie had written… and it’s just… sometimes i think that maybe they  _ do  _ like me back… but god, taeillie, how can i be sure when i’m nothing compared to them? they’re all just-- amazing, and so, so patient, so caring and i’m just… i don’t know tae, i’m not fit for them. i feel like i would intrude in something, y’know? they’re already happy, what do they need me for? i would rather keep them close like this than somehow ruin our dynamic.”

normally, he would never voice his thoughts like this. it makes him feel vulnerable, pathetic to an extent. who in their right mind would be so dumb to fall for his best friends and continue falling even when it hurts them?

“you say you’re not fit for them, but can i ask who takes care of ten when he forgets to eat? or of yongie when he stresses over nothing and everything at the same time? or when jaehyun gets buried under a mountain of insecurity of not being as good as his parents? who makes them food, cuddles them, and brings them back on earth?” johnny stays quiet. “so don’t say you’re worth nothing in this relationship compared to them, ok? because i’m positive they would hate to hear you talk about yourself this way. they care about you so much, youngho, and i’m sorry you can’t see it, but they love you more than anything.”

taeil wraps his arms around him when his shoulders start to shake. “and i could say more, but i think it’s time you talked to them about it. stop beating around the bush and be reasonable for once, all four of you. not that i don’t like seeing you flustered because of them, but doie is starting to enjoy your problems more than our sex life and i’m getting worried.”

johnny snorts, letting some more tears fall. “you have your own drama to take care of, i know.”

“that i do… but if i can talk with basically two dumb children about our feelings, then so can you.” taeil pats his shoulder in the most  _ dad  _ way possible, and johnny has to hold back a laugh. “now go make me proud, son.”

he gives the smaller man another hug. “thanks, tae. you’re better than doie at giving me advice.”

when johnny gets home that day, a plan of confessing written on his phone, he finds himself facing another problem. his three friends, naked and asleep on the couch, marks littered all over their chests and necks. as he covers them with a blanket, johnny crosses out one of the steps. 

_ find out if they are actually dating or not. _

he spends his late shower trying not to be loud enough to wake them up, but when he cums, two fingers buried deep inside him, his other hand wrapped nicely around his cock, he hears a cough just outside the bathroom door. 

it’s taeyong, that much he can tell even with the water running, and he’s not sure if he moans louder just because taeyong can hear him, or just to make sure the other  _ does  _ hear him. either way, once he steps out of the shower, towel around his neck and sweats resting low on his hips, he finds taeyong back in the cuddle pile, this time awake. 

the smaller man opens his arms wide, and welcomes johnny with a kiss on his cheek when he joins them. 

it’s not unusual for them to cuddle, but the addition of them being naked does make johnny’s cheeks redden. “good night, pup,” taeyong whispers, already falling asleep. 

those three words keep johnny awake until early in the morning.

* * *

his plan, in retrospect, is bad. first on his list of 17 steps (without the small in between steps that each part has) is to write them a note, maybe even a poem, but he’s no longer in high school, and though he may be a romantic, he doesn’t want to (maybe) get together with them through a shoujo anime confession scene. so he skips the next five steps, and settles on 5.f.  _ hope they get the hint through the bare minimum _ . 

so he starts off simple; buys them coffee every day, sometimes adds a muffin if they’re especially stressed; he writes them small messages on their cups or their lunch boxes, ending them all with little happy hearts; johnny goes as far as to compliment them without turning into a flustered mess, but nothing seems to work. they don’t read in between his comments or encouraging words, don’t think anything of the hearts or lingering touches and johnny is losing hope, despite still being on the first step. 

not even pressing a kiss on jaehyun’s cheek ( _ in front of ten’s rice,  _ as the man himself said) helped him get his point across. it feels like he’s stuck in this weird alternate universe where the moment  _ he  _ decides he wants to flirt with them, they just  _ ignore _ his attempts. he is  _ sick  _ and  _ tired _ and frankly, johnny just wants to be happy. and even if his biggest fear turns out to be true, that they don’t like him back, he wants to move on. he’d rather have heartbreak than a beautiful lie repeated over and over again by his own exhausted feelings. 

his ideas don’t work out, the notes lead nowhere, the affectionate touches are met with a wall of confusion. he doesn’t know where to go from here, and when he voices his concearns to doyoung and kun, they’re not that helpful either. 

kun tells him to just straight up tell them he likes them, while doyoung, ever the genius, gives him the idea of acting out his feelings in an interpretative dance, after which he can spell it out for them, since he is sure they won’t catch the drift without johnny just saying he likes them.

so, rationally, johnny ignores both pieces of advice and keeps on following his perfectly crafted plan. 

it’s only when yuta brings up wanting to buy sicheng flowers that johnny realizes he had the right way of confessing right in front of him. well, not quite in front, since taeil reaches to his chest, but nevertheless, his best friend’s unusual knowledge of flower language would come in handy. 

he ditches his old plan,  _ yeets  _ it out the window, and this time puts together one that would not fail anyone, not even socially awkward jisung when faced with his crush. 

(johnny has had multiple realizations throughout his journey of accepting the fact that he loves his best friends about just how  _ gay  _ and  _ in love  _ all of his friends actually are. he’s surprised he hasn’t noticed sooner that dejun has both yangyang and kunhang following him around like two lost puppies.)

he leaves them each a pink carmellia, but skips the notes all together. leaves them daffodils and hollies. leaves jaehyun a yellow tulip, ten a viscaria and taeyong a daisy. he finishes his array of flowers with a bouquet made of lilies-of-the-valley and hydrangeas. 

johnny never mentions anything about the flowers, and neither did they. so he pretends he never did it, and goes back to pining sadly and on his own, only with the occasional snarks from doyoung and kun.

* * *

jaehyun has been giving him weird looks ever since he walked into the cafeteria. sure, he walked straight to him before even going to order, but his best friend had been looking at him funnily for a while now, and whilst it had been amusing at first, he was getting worried. 

ten, on the other hand, chose to push his food around on his plate, not even sparing johnny a look. and taeyong… taeyong looked ready to have the ground open up and swallow him whole. 

johnny wanted to leave before leaving his bag with his friends. he pushes through the need to run away, throws his bag on the only empty seat and runs to the queue. his boys don’t utter a word, which worries him just a bit too much. 

the silence is so awkward, that even when he cracks a joke it only seems to be met with unreasonable quietness. 

“ok, what is wrong with you, guys?” he asks, fed up with this strange behaviour. jaehyun stabs his chicken, taeyong picks up his water bottle and ten refuses to look at him. “well? are you really not going to tell me? did i do something wrong? do you want me to move out or something? c’mon guys, give me something here, i can’t exactly read minds, y’know?”

ten sighs, but doesn’t answer. it’s taeyong who has to gather all his bravery and speak. “do you… johnny, do you like us?”

“as in, a romantic way!” jaehyun feels the need to clarify, his cheeks burning from embarrassment. 

faced with the ultimate question, johnny doesn’t know how to react. he wants to scream, to yell it so loudly that the whole city hears it that  _ yes,  _ he is in love with them, but… but then the part of his brain that’s scared of the worst outcome possible takes over. 

“i… i don’t know what you’re talking about.” he chugs his coffee in one go and stands. “i have to leave, mark asked me to help him with history,” he rushes to say, before leaving the cafeteria too fast to catch the worried looks they share. 

he thought he was ready, but when the moment arrived, johnny realized he was still just as frightened of losing his soulmates.

* * *

johnny is a coward and there is no denying about it anymore. he’s been hiding in taeil’s apartment for days now, only getting out to go to his classes. his only companion are taeil’s cats and sometimes the man himself, that is, if he’s not spending the day at doyoung’s, away from johnny’s neverending whining. 

he’s alone for the most, but this loneliness only eats him alive. his phone has been shut off for a while, not wanting to face the disruption he may have caused to his relationships. 

when taeil comes home on one of the nights, he finds johnny rotting away on his couch, cream seated on his chest and purring contemptly. he throws the bags of chips at johnny’s head, but the man doesn’t move a muscle. 

“what’s going on this time?” taeil asks, taking a seat next to his best friend.

johnny shrugs, arm moving up to pet the cat’s fur. “dunno. just… not feeling it, y’know?”

“not feeling what? wasting your time on my couch when you could be cuddling with them?” when johnny makes a sound of protest taeil just clicks his tongue. “spare me this, johnny. you’re being sad over  _ nothing. _ well, not nothing, just your idiocy of running away without even listening to what others have to say! for fuck’s sake, that’s not normal! it’s not a healthy way of doing it! yea, you may have trust issues, but johnny, this isn’t about someone you don’t trust! they are your best friends! you’re in love with them and for goodness’ sake, just open your eyes and see that maybe-- screw that, that they feel the same!” despite everything, taeil remains calm, his voice calculated. 

johnny continues to pout at the animal in his arms, as if everything taeil just said flew by his head. “you don’t know that… you’re probably just saying it because…”

“because what?” 

“i don’t know, y’wanna make me feel better or something.” the man shrugs, before his shoulders fall, his composure defeated at last. “i just need to move on.”

“ok, i’m sorry, but this has been fun while it lasted but now it’s just sad to watch.” when johnny looks up, he sees doyoung thrusting his mug of tea in kun’s hands. he has no idea when the two got here as well, and frankly johnny doesn’t care that much anymore. the younger reaches to pull johnny up his collar, ignoring his yelps of struggle. “you need to be mature, dude! taeillie told you this before, and yet you just ignore it! not that the rest are any better, they’re just as bad at communicating.” doyoung pushes the taller man into the hallway, where he puts his shoes on first. “go on, put them on! what are you waiting for, hm? i’m taking you to see them and i swear on kun’s harry potter mug collection that i’ll lock you inside your own apartment and not let you get out unless you open up to your idiots!” 

in the living room, taeil and kun laugh rather loudly, before joining them. taeil’s hands are on kun’s waist, and now that johnny pays closer attention to them, he can see bitemarks littered all over their necks.  _ at least one polyamorous couple got their shit together, _ he thinks bitterly. 

doyoung, still ranting, pushes johnny coat in his face. “and don’t fucking get me started on ten or jae!  _ confident gays  _ my ass! they can’t even tell--” doyoung’s voice gets cut off by the sound of the front door slamming closed after him. he opens it gently this time, his head sticking inside. “you coming or what, lover boy?”

sighing, johnny walks out after the younger. “right behind ya, doie.”

* * *

doyoung didn’t lie when he told him he will lock him in his own apartment if needed, because not even five seconds into johnny being pushed inside that the younger is already locking the door three times. so, with the lack of his own keys, he doesn’t have a choice but to step inside properly, where ten is sitting on the floor, his face swollen. jaehyun is in no better shape, either. when he lifts his head from the thai’s lap, his eyes are puffy as if he’s been crying. the dark bags under them don’t help him look any better. the sight pulls at his heart strings, but what truly breaks him is seeing taeyong drowning in his hoodie, his usually expressive face devoid of any other emotion than pain. 

johnny’s knees buckle as he falls on the carpet, reaching for his soulmates with shaking hands and a quivering heart. he’s afraid to touch them, afraid that they will pull away, slap his hands with hatred in their eyes. johnny doesn’t want that. johnny doesn’t want them to go away; he wants to fight, this time for real. 

ten’s fingers wrap around his wrist, and before he knows it he’s falling face down in the younger’s chest. one pair, two, then three wrap around his body, and all johnny can feel are the tears running down his cheeks and the warmth of his soulmates’ love and it feels calming. he could fall asleep like this, safe and protected by them. 

“i’m sorry.”

ten shakes his head, his small hands resting on johnny’s cheeks as he speaks in the softest tone possible, “we can talk later, john. don’t worry about it, ok? just…” he cuts himself off when he sobs. taeyong’s arms tighten around ten’s trembling form. 

“we forgive you. and we want to apologize as well. we’ve been really bad at this whole… confession thing,” taeyong says, his eyes glistening at johnny. he looks ready to cry again, but the taller man finds himself pulling both ten and taeyong close to his chest. jaehyun joins them too, when johnny urges him by opening his arms even more. 

it feels complete, everything seems to be right again. he’s not sure where he would be without them right now, but johnny doesn’t want to think about such a dystopian universe. he relishes in feeling loved for once, in having his feelings reciprocated. for once when thinking about being with jaehyun, ten and taeyong… johnny doesn’t find himself being scared. 

something shifts under johnny, waking him up from his deep slumber. he lifts his head, only to be met with ten looking apologetic about causing him to wake up. “gotta pee,” he whispers, careful of the two still sleeping bodies next to them. johnny whines, but rolls of ten’s chest to allow the younger to move freely. 

he doesn’t go without a cuddle buddy for more than seconds, because jaehyun, in his tired state of mind, pulls him in between him and taeyong, both wrapping themselves around him without much care. not sleepy anymore, johnny takes his time looking at his soulmates turned boyfriends after a long, mentally exhausting talk and an even longer, physically tiring session of mind boggling sex. johnny has never felt this cared for before, never imagined he could be pampered and pliable for someone else, that he can let go of all his inhibitions and accept the offer of being the one under, of submitting, slowly, carefully, with the help of his lovers. 

they didn’t go all the way, too emotionally affected because of the talk, but even with just johnny being in the center of attention, with him giving them everything he has to offer and them taking it all with open arms, it still managed to tire them to the point of sleeping through taeyong’s six am and ten’s seven thirty alarms. 

now, at eleven past ten, his lovers are sleeping peacefully. ten has joined them again, making sure to stick his cold hands on johnny’s side when he got back into bed just to laugh at the elder’s reaction. johnny is the only one awake; he doesn’t do anything else but take in the sight of the three men dreaming next to him. 

he never imagined he would get this far, but here he is. here they are, together, no longer running away from their feelings. johnny is proud of where they got. 


End file.
